Moms, why do I feel like I’m being judged today?

It wasn’t exactly my day yesterday. Yesterday morning to be precise, because I was rejected thrice in a span of 3 hours.

I installed yet another messaging app on my mobile phone a couple of weeks back because I heard this particular one works slightly different from Whatsapp. With this app, I have a couple of chat channels opened – mainly with 2 colleagues and 2 of my siblings – and as such, I don’t exactly use it very much for now except for the frequent popping of notifications from the “Miss Tam Chiak” food channel that I subscribed to as well. It just so happened that while fiddling with my phone the other day in office, I decided to launch the app in order to “clear my notifications” from the Miss Tam Chiak channel and noticed by chance that the app actually lets you know of users on your phone list, who recently added themselves, because I saw an ex-colleague’s name flashed across the screen.

1. Perhaps I was too friendly

Instinctively, I thought I’d cheekily drop him a line just to say hi that sort of thing since we haven’t kept in touch for almost half a year. Okay, I think we hit it off pretty alright initially because he was such a funny person! And you know I’d always appreciate things a little quirky. But unfortunately towards the end of my tenure with the ex-company, some hiccups at work basically made me got pissed off with him and he probably did me or perhaps for some other reason. Anyway, I gave a short and sweet text.

Hi! Wah you’ve joined Telegram too. 😁

And his reply,

Hi

Actually I hardly use

That’s it.

Let me see, sounds to me like, “Hi, f*** off.”

Great.

Clearly, no one likes to feel like a pesky bug and it does suck that I feel like a total idiot for being friendly. And is it me or are people from the ex-company casting doubtful thoughts about me because I had only been there for 3 months but subsequently went around adding people on social media after I left. The truth is, these people whom I took the initiative to add, they touched me in one way or another during my short stint there, whether it was suddenly coming up to me to chit chat about their kids and schoolwork woes or flashing me a smile that made me feel a million bucks, maybe because I had said something right that made their day.

2. Questioned my core

I genuinely want to keep in touch with people I meet along the way, extend my friendship that sort of thing. To me, life is all about having a good time so I’m very big on being kind and nice and building relationships. I try to teach my kids likewise too because life is really all about the relationships we share, right? Clearly, no man is an island! But I went away from this whole episode feeling like I made a fool of myself, which for your information, I’d never be caught dead doing in the past. To make a change, I flipped my brain around and did things differently, only to be left feeling vulnerable. πŸ˜–

3. Unknowingly rocked my boat

I shall not rant about another 2 incidents that made me feel rejected because they didn’t exactly got to me. No biggie I guess. But the last straw came at the dinner table today when the hubs made a comment about a newspaper article, of which I threw a casual retort that made him go ballistic and defensive again. I hate it whenever that happens. But the truth is, this indirect form of rejection actually threw my gut right out of the window. I felt a horrible sinking feeling in the stomach that oddly churn negative thoughts incessantly in my head, including being told to sort of f*** off yesterday.

To be honest, I did cry a little in front of the hubs for feeling what I felt. But I refuse to let myself sink deeper by thinking that I’m such a lousy person. If you ever were to put yourselves in my shoes, you’d know that being judged as an annoying or “odd” person is pretty crappy. But I realised that I should not stop extending my friendship to new people I meet because sometimes someone really could use the friendship. In fact, some of the mommy colleagues in my current workplace seem to really appreciate having me around so that in itself, is something huge to me. It’s exactly people like them that I should continue being me and do what I have to do, like to do, and believe I need to do.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s